Well, I've crashed again...

Here we are again, happy as can be?

No, not really. I had the worst thing I could have as someone who's trying to do it all - someone to say that it's unsustainable. Just lie a tightrope walker doesn't need to hear, just as they are approaching the middle of their Grand Canyon walk without a safety net, " Gosh, aren't you high up!!"

Wobble, wobble, crash.

So now I have my own mental health struggle. 6 & 1/2 weeks ago I had a carer's assessment. A nice lady from the council came and asked a load of questions over a cup of tea, nodded sympathetically, frowned and wrote notes, and told me it was impossible to continue like this, and that she was amazed I'd gone on like this for 5 years. I stumbled. I told my boss that I was wobbling. I told everyone that I was struggling. I told the GP that I needed to increase my stress meds that I'd started last summer.

Then 4 weeks ago my brain stopped. I couldn't think. I couldn't choose.

I went from someone who was using her brain to think about all the jobs I needed to do, to plan and run the household, to hold down a very complex job, remember all my daughter's appointments, lessons, meetings, and day-to-day difficulties, plus those of my other 2 daughters and husband and mother,  to someone who found the question- " Would you like a drink?" too complicated.

It requires too many decisions - am I thirsty?
would I like a hot drink or a cold one?
If a hot one, which drink? If a cold one, which one and how cold? Fizzy or flat?

Enough mental processes to override the ability to walk at the same time as think.

A complete stop.

4 weeks later, and I am a little better. But I have had to cut out so many things. Like a slow computer  - I've had to uninstall some software and remove unnecessary files to clear the memory a bit. Use a data cable and switch off the WiFi to cut out a little buffering.

So no work, no calls, no texts, no emails, few decision, no driving, hand over the running of the house to others. And just sit. No real concentration, not enough focus to read, just a vacant vegetable.
I have rallied for chats with my daughter, and I have managed to cook today, though I feel exhausted and fuzzy headed again. And I'm back here.

I just needed to say something, to tell someone, without them feeling burdened.

I'm just not sure how to start geting myself out of here, though I have asked some people and have appointments. So fingers crossed, I can start to help myself.